Happiness

In a lifetime so full of pain,

I’ve learned to find joy in useless things.

Useless in the sense they aren’t worth anything,

Won’t technically save my life –

Though I’d like to think these pieces of my soul have actually become the reason for my pumping heart.

The reason I’m able to fall in love,

The basis for all the beautiful things I’ve learned to love about myself.

It’s easy to make a list of the things I love because there was one time I never thought I’d have a list to give.

A list of things that make me who I am,

“I imagined what it would be like to hold a butterfly in your hands something bejeweled //

And treasured and to know that despite your devotion it was dying by degrees.” 

Nicholas and Paige.

A love story so beautifully doomed it made me want to fall in love.

Though it was hard for Paige to love Nicholas,

She felt her soul come alive with him,

The same soul that needed to be freed in order to live happily.

I’ve learned that I am Paige,

So used to being loveless,

Love just feels like a joke.

Never in my life have I loved more than now.

I fall easily as Paige did that day in the diner,

And run as fast as she did out of fear.

I grew up with so much self-hatred from scars that I’ve only shown the ones who love me -

It is hard to think that someone could love a girl like me,

A girl who would rather have it rain for days –

No sunshine,

Just the drops from the clouds lightly hitting the open window.

Rain that makes the temperature trickle down from 60 to 50

The rain gives me comfort in a world around me.

I’d rather sit next to a window,

Blanket around me,

Hugging me,

Tightly,

Warmed coffee in my hand,

Burning my soul.

Today of all days I sit there by the window,

Writing things, I wish I could say out loud.

Have you ever sat and listened to this world when it rains?

The pitter patter of a storm cloud bursting through its seams?

I see myself as a storm cloud.

I hold all my emotion in until I combust and all of a sudden,

My heart explodes.

According to those who know me best it’s easy to tell when I’m about to explode with love for the world and people around me.

My eyes sparkle when I speak of someone who is so deeply important to me.

I cannot stand still from the excitement of telling everyone about them.

My smile, god my smile, is ignited just by the thought of someone I love.

The sad thing is,

My smile just grows with my love for someone, even if theirs doesn’t.

I learned to love through Paige’s drawings.

My writing is like her art –

Random lines,

My heart poured out onto paper.

That’s something I’ve learned to love about myself.

I can turn a blank space into 26 lines of everything I like about someone,

Or the pain I felt growing up.

I turn things into beautiful art for others to enjoy.

But be careful my dear,

If you get the chance of igniting my soul so much you get put onto paper,

You will never die.

You’re forever a piece of what I love about myself,

And I hope you live forever.